The mirror

and here I am from now

lacking vocabulary unlike before

words have become lame

Projection from pupil or is it iris

matter masked in grey, a sheath, so thin

Beyond blood vessel and nerve ending enduring

before bone and flesh, coiled in fats and connecting

Excreting, expanding and contracting, valves so gently open to flow.

receptors and their successors, or kin.

from there to electrical current, conduits been done formed

masked and painted and piled and paved

am I here today? did he treat me that way, what is of him and between us, what is of me?

there's a storm rolling in 

maybe I'm a fuck boy

Now with your heart

Maybe I am a fuck boy always ready

To split, where it gets dark

Maybe what I'm finding is just a reflection

Somewhat gentle just to ease it in

Ready to rip through it when I need it

Just a fuck boy, can't explain it 

LoveYou to loveMe, but can't see it

Want you to break me,

 but discard the pieces

Where did this start, with me on your lap

With your hand in mine,

Now telling me not to name it

That's what this game is,

so descript until we lean in

unfounded

In the depths of the deepest nowhere

I sink my heels in my hips and my elbows in my belly

I feel it all my fingers curled around my kneecaps

My heart drenched by each inhalation although shallow

Still

I peer through only seeing flickering amoungst the haze of blacks and grey's and deep ambers and umber

Dense vertical trunks and branches

What am I looking for beyond this

I know if I focus and still what I can not move

The listlessness will become less

The imprisonment of my true self with end

My lower my higher

Shadowing my light

Lighting my fire to warm

I am nothing I am everything

And I need not tread to find it. 

if I was younger

I would call back and confess loudly in certain words

I would say instead of spell and pronounce and dictate through

I would boast and tangle and commit to all out terminal turmoil

I would know that if I held on tighter and was louder and more bold it would stay, but it wouldn't.

Today I mourn my hopefullness and relax into a mess where I can't really wash my hands yet, because I'm not done.

Today I hurt in a joy of remembering of something that feels good, for a moment, longer if everything happens to align for just a flickering moment more. 

Today I dread having to love without saying, I dread something that feels celebratory within an ache I didn't want or know I could have again. 

Today I relequish and relish in the unknowing of knowing what I feel and having no remedy to make it feel more solid, more named, more like tomorrows coming.

If I was younger I'd believe in forever now instead of saying goodbye the moment I fall completey. 

been reduced

Just a sauce

No meal

I send a heart

Can't say how I feel

Wanting to do more than survive

Ripple anxiety

Unwanted patterns

This is life?

When do I ask for more

When will I be enough to deserve it

When will there be a space for me to flourish

Embalming desires

Burying what I was taught to dream

Weighing what is unreasonable

Is it too expectant after neglect

learning how to be lonely

I can't bare the empty hands I can't feed myself with

The empty bed I often lay in fully dressed

The sound of my breaths and no others

My internal dialogue saying I don't deserve a lover

I can't bare the burden of this life I've extracted and exstrudeded from all the mistakes and goodbyes I've scripted, end scene

The highs so high lows somewheres I can't reach from where I'm trying to keep my footing in.

Upside down down side...I'm up

Sleeplessness saturates

Subdued by my own

Insatiable want

For touch

For compatibility, compassion

Bickering and bouncing back from actual contact.

Someone asks is it addiction

Or do you actually like them

Is it reciprocated or

Do you just hold a space

They can't fill themselves

Wander through the ways I want to live without

And all the ways I want to live with, the ways I want to celebrate and pay attention. 

in a relationship ship with

Typing, deleting...that's the new messaging. Trying not to pry or elude to anything ever... Like the opposite of small talk but at the negative end of conversation. It's like an unpoetic unimportant, rhetorical metaphor, for I am frustrated today and nobody can or would do anything about it, even if it was up to me, as me. This is my new status...only sending because it's not like we have online interactions, pretend i don't look at your status. Mentally unwell but enough to know of wellness. Fighting the urge to delete this, install all my apps, change my passwords, pray that no one reads this. Hashtag today's accomplishment, all before coffee, xo , but before adequate sleep well deep in The matrix or Babylon or post-apocalyptic Shadow Dawn Doom scroll may as well be on parole but the Earth leads me with petrol. This is for you but not the me in everyone but also for everyone

lift it

In between I see one image layed of the other identity

Personification and duality inside of this cage of me

Masks loften words spent on time saving rather than regrets. 

would I know

What if it's not inflicted

At best Intrinsic rising

Raised, like the bread

That's been fed

By sugar and salt

Braised and branded

Like the flesh of beast

Blood letting, released.

Where do we hunger

In form or in ache

Is it apparent, can you relate

What if the smell is faint

Is decay hidden by perfume

Less rank

Do the men without boots have honour

Or is it the ones In tanks, 

which ones on the stretchers

In uniform, or with which rank

Shadows the unborn, fatherless

To come, to break

Where do we know our nature,

In wells, of tears of 

Lost steam and focus

Unfinished

is it cancelled?

Hello,

Hell no

Where are you?

Not one to kiss and tell

Or hate on mother nature

He Have me in a place where

We can be slaves together

Or cut the chains and race forever

Patch the wounds, grass cut like razor

Fill the void, this has no flavor

Salt the beaches, cross the river

Alligators nesting, turtles swimming

I wonder if Saturn or Jupiter are waiting

Songs in space rocks clashing

Ash and oil lay in waking

All that is amoungst us

Covering, changing

Pulling, letting

Burning

Buried

BuhBye

Sulking

Silk spun from the suffering

Spatial relations within my own heart

Since or sense by which forms measurements

Tightly wrapped in lose ends

No greater lesson than where focus lives

I dust off my human form for another

Waiting and wasting in time between

As they fall

Spirit dormant under hardened flow

Root mass as an urn of spring 

Waiting for winter to expand

Retreat to return

Sun draws to mornings dew

Sweetness pulled to limb

Yet to bloom to fruition

Basking before each dusk

Oh to have veins unfold

To hold just long enough

To crumble into mud

If only

If only did i know
The gaze of morning
From beneath it all
From above it even
Just as well

Instead of welling in it
Moments only supressed
Some surpassed by dawn
And met in evenings lax

Tired and tilted thoughts
In or out of touch,
Who questions?
Who knows?

Centered on humbling tones
Of exhales between doorways
None of which completely my own

How severe is ownership
when hands lay open once
Consciousness is unembodied
Unabated with the subtle glimpses
of given, of carried weight equal.

You are

You are probably mine
And i dont know it

You are probably blind
But this ball, i'm going to throw it

You are probably probably thinking the
same certain things,  like this hurts

You are probably here or there or anywhere but
In this with me because mostly
I got over the absence of it all

I found myself
I round myself  up not down
And do not say that's a stab at you.

Am i

Am i inspired...
Am i transpiring
With the universe
Or is it all a response

Does intention wave the cab
or does the hand
Is it a balance between
here and the man. 

Do you work for me
Great mystery  or do
I love enough to lean
On you or any other
All the same.

Should i shrug or bow
Sink or plow,  beg or meow.
Come hither sweet calm that
Allows passion to erupt.

Hold open

Hold the open
Let the river flow through you
Hold open, and when you do
Don't be ashamed or subtle
Hold open in your truth

Hold open
Hold tune
Don't be hushed
Don't be rushed
Hold open
It's yours to do

Hold open unto
And into you, hold
Hold, hold open

No one has to know but you
Hold open, as long as you feel so
Hold open, it's not simply done
it benefits the hearts view

Not At odds, at ends

Tethers untied
Hinderences no longer
Discussed or disguised
I am divine with my
Burnt edges

I am divine with truth
Full of intentions, not
Lost in label or lavish refrain
Loose and wanton as I came

I do not hurt your hurt
all my own to heal, I am
Not a victim as I was tamed to be
I am wild or recluse without shame

I stare and state my damage
Am not told to stay undone
I step out backwards
Fear can't have my voice
Or tounge

I know you are but what am i

attempted to fresh start-
to get a blog name that was stuck in a loop in my head
but its taken and so are all the things I can relate to it
sticks and stones\

cooling

I am not ashamed of the layers I have shed without regard to others
nor the layers I have collected at my own flesh and blood beating
a pace I should shroud in fear or guilt or pain. I know nothing
I know nothing of tenderness any longer, I know nothing of docile
I know nothing I know nothing and everything finds me in these moments

I am myself, devoid of feeling or forthright for others not belonging
within this beaten and left for less cage of nights passing with no one to role on to
I am myself in its most settled form, each layer a distant resemblance of the next
I am no longer lover, I am not a provider of pleasure. I am the one in waiting a placemat to soak
the condensation of the happenings surrounding, the light, the wind, shadows that follow, time
by way of sun and rain. I am at a distant horizon but intact, un tethered to the ideal of anyones fancy.

it hurts more then a little.

I feel her emerge.

I feel her emerge
like i myself am crowning
through hello and goodbye
what kind of journey
in any direction

Is this the end or beginning
the separation or tethering

I feel her emerge, who i used to be"
who i have not been, in protection
of the one that hides inside.

Could have remained

no reminisce here just shedding
just leaving the jacket behind
as the sun begins to shine

it could have stayed poetic
between punctuation and
ALL CAPS

it could have stayed in its place
without the inclination to look back

now as my skin cools to a degree i have not felt
i am tempted to say the waves have washed over me
that i will be letting go, my head will not be heavy

perspective of the heart aches i have had and caused
where all the loyalty has begun to nod
i begin to understand our lacking indifference

passion is not always in the heat, in the fire manifest
today i find it deep inside hidden beneath my breasts
its a light that other dim, but only out of ignorance

where i sometimes live.

Sit beneath the red oak
Bury your fear 

aboriginal

Aboriganally complaisant
Abducted by the coming news
All ready, repeating itself
Tomorrow's forthcoming resecated under crimson, I mean
Chemical filled starry not so night Sky
Glitter of metallic fears not so much a common
Thread but more so something found in our tears

not so troubled

can you except this i am on
my knees naked running
set my mind at ease
tomorrow there
is not another day
can you not be here
now
set my mind at ease

Won't be letting go

Won't be sleeping till we are all safe, at home.
Won't rest tonight, with eyes simply closed

To awake to this and know,
You are all i want to see
 All i want to hear

#"You Awake"

-"Mom can i have cereal"

# "No. I am cooking Breakfast.
Banana, if you want. "

-"Ok, I love you mom."

Six days a week, because sunday
we have brunch, but you don't know
that cereal is my place holder, for another
cup of coffee... once a
week.

#" Brush your Teeth"

-"But I'm still Hungry"

#"I know, you can still eat"

Hours pass, another snack,
And walks, and time spent
in little corners of your view
of wilderness, but my tired
legs, tired mama legs,

know are short.
Short on time, and distance from a road
other passer bys...
through woods and Hayfields.

-"Who's that?"

#"I don't know"

 -"Why are they over there?"

#"Getting their mail"

-"Oh."

You will never know
how significant,
the insignificant.
Son, I tell you a hundred times,

#
"Don't do that"
"Not over there"
"Probably someday,
Of course"

"Of course, of course "
You are always allowed, to do that"

"You are welcome,
Thank You"

"I wouldn't do it without you"

"I am so scared"

"I love you
I love you
I LOVE YOU"

More then when i walked across town, in labor with you.
and went home for thirty minutes, to get my favorite pillow.

Forgot to remember

the last time i held a wanting hand
or felt the welcomed pressure of love
no plans or dates to be saved between
not an ounce of inkling in this mane
not tears that linger
or refrain
empty tomorrow
i made soup
today

Becoming a not so little girl, putting on the shoes of this women.

Starving spiritually in ways i did not know i could. Dreaming of a wedding where i didn't wear the dress. Holding hands and blankets over face, life to short. Not the right pace. Legs Heavy, under due, thinking about being over due. Not knowing why you haven't noticed me, notice you. Pulling and pushing pillows, between the wall and the head, beside me.

The sinking feelings

They allow me to question whether this time is spent or slips by. Whether this is forever, now, hello or goodbye So nice to see you : can't remember the color of your eyes yesterday we'll think about tomorrow, it won't be a surprise I like where we are now, the simple things reign over the complicated with which they've been replaced Now like the pages in books that i have skipped, i look back never quite knowing where it is that i relapsed into a mood that I've known The sinking feelings, wave around in my bed, in my head gotta let go, gotta get up, its time for this now friend

The Hands That Lift Me

To be assured and known

When i was a child

when i was a child, my feet were very important
remembering sidewalk cracks, and my wet hands
my crooked teeth, my teeth were very important

when i was a child i remember climbing trees
not worried about dinner, or how long i can
sit on my knees

How i dream

the light fades from the center
over hills into dark skies

sounds filling memories
silence finding purpose

sitting lonely to return
sitting holding, for i yearn

to know of paled by the milky way love
to be silenced loved, humble love
love for i am to love, and am loved, love

the light pale orange glow fades
from the center darkness claims
the silence begins to ring
i know that i am safe

In another, more words

I have nothing more to say, in the light of
hellos and goodbyes, i am found less then
pondering, beyond this very moment, no more words
to use or spend, or abuse, i exist in fact, or
in perceived facts, nothing more then the wind in the
trees, the rain falls, grass dry tomorrow, iced in ants
bees with no time to borrow, i have the lesson learned
i have no more words, but i am sure they will find me
fitting in some sense, in some moment, in time spent.

If i could see with these eyes

If i could humble myself with these hands,
I wouldn't fight a war, i could finally put
the gun down. Cut the chains, of this soul
again, find less guilt. Its really just the
way she looks at me, in fear that she sees
herself when she stares. I try to forget,
but only because i have yet to forgive.

If i could see with these eyes, years ago,
i could remember why. I don't say a word
on an hours drive, but she in all her
disgust and torment, gets me to say
"you are insane". I am not meaning to,
i have still waters in this stream,
i have fire creeping the forest line,
of this heart, and of this mind.

trying to let go, but she just won't
listen to my i love you's.

Childlike

Love makes a mockery of my mind,
each and every time, for days
and weeks, months and years

I feel as though i have no face
just the smile

2009/retribution

I have gone mad. I have gone happy. But yet have I gone insane or sane, I revel in a middle ground as always ... I want for few and hunger for even less. The desperation that consumes a person has been washed from my hands and now I am only let for others to see as fit or unfit. I have no need to fit in or out, I am what I am and that is caring. I am devout in most things that I do and attempting to learn the rest, as I share it with all around me. I am incapable of fear and anger in most cases, but my perception is often skewed momentarily as a result of my own personal compromises. I do not set fault to any actions, or people taking them, I am complacent when it comes to finding a center that fits best for me. I have let all around me consume, instead of forge a new path. I know that life takes work, and I can not take any more time to study. I must remedy my current situation, I must take steps to grasp what it is I am willing to commit to. I can not further myself without seeking my own personal retribution.

2009/Shell manifest by fear

I reach very few with the words that I write, they have all been written before. I am of an essence that seeks only to convey, in general. The few that my words do reach makes every year spent cataloging my feelings worth it. I am attempting to separate myself from my task of capturing that I have taken on as my own. I experience on a level that is different from any I have known, I have very often fallen short, in connection, by being a silent observer of my own life. I give all that I am to anyone that asks anything, and reap nothing, however non expectant I have become, I must begin to except what love is given. In this redefining of how I conduct my self, many may find me absent on levels that I have always been available, and that is a trade I am willing to make, to begin to live my own life. There are paths, windows, doors, opening and closing in a constant rhythm. I am seeking a clarity that I have found within, but was surrounded by a shell. This shell was manifest by fear, I want to never hunger, I want to never feed, I want to remain all giving, but in a sense I have begun to dissipate, in an effort to preserve all around me. Number one of all things given to us at birth, the need for self preservation, we cry when we are hungry, or uncomfortable, then that begins to fall away when we are exposed to the ¨cruel¨ world around us. We are told we are different, when we feel too intensely about things, when we react to corruption we are told we are incapable, that is a lie beyond all others. There are ¨normal¨ people like, I who have found an origin, within all of this distance. We are meant to be peaceful but we fall short, when all is imposed upon us. I have begun to further my self from these statements as I type them... I wish to be silent and live, but I still express as a means to communicate freely with people that can not hear, or see, anything worth living.

I feel absolutely blessed to be here, and my struggles have far surpassed many that I know, but I remain forever grateful, in awe of all the lessons that have been taught to me, by no other force but the original force, consciousness, and connection. Only a handful of my friends will read this and feel anything, the others will nod and say mmhmm... I get it... but the thickness of their disconnection allows them no true comprehension of what is being said. And I am sorry, for I can assist no further, each statement that i have ever made toward you if reiterated , will form that of truth at some point in time in your life, if taken in any sort of an advisory manor. Most breeze through, and out of my life, taking the little comfort that I provided, others even quicker being truly appreciative of my presence, and find their own way. The few that have been around the longest, meet me on a level where we have found some sort of commonality, and understanding of our own abilities, to do what it is we want to do without setting any boundaries, for one another, offering very little for trade aside, from a like mind, which is the most peaceful to reside beside, and I thank thee.

I know this does not seem like something to convey, in such terms, one generally feels no obligation to change, and justify it. But the way I have chosen to live my life was intentional, and it is a huge deal for me to change that in anyway. I have begun so slowly to set priority to myself, which has not been the order in my life, tho that is often the norm for others who seek something other then, to love. I am not ending my love, I am just like previously mentioned redefining the love that I feel in some way. I am not often accepting of love. I must begin.

Without Question

There will be a place

there will be a place
it will sit upon a hill

i know not its altitude

there will be a place
it will sit upon a hill

vein or vain

I am sorry that i have missed you, left just one more world behind.
I am sorry that i have kissed you, pushed your hand away from mine.
I am not beautiful anymore, i never was allowed to be natural.

Midnight Water

tether this body to this soul
release me of this questioning
answers between me and me
no one to weigh with me

pillows without cases
sheets knowing of lovers
only bodies in windows casting
shadows from streetlights

with regrets, and temptations
candle melted to the table
antique glass, broken again
i can roll over again tonight

then in the next, no heads
to place on shoulders, no arms
to move from numbness, just my
own jackets and jeans in sheets
at my feet. I wake up thirsty.

He walked behind me

was in the basement doing laundry,
took the garbage out and swept,
moved some things, it looks settled

then while looking for a hook of sorts
to hang the broom and dust pan, the
guy with the ponytail and the twelve pack
from out back scared the shit out of me

i turned the light off, by the tool bench
ran up the stairs, went back home,
but then i went back down, he was drunk
or i scared him, he left the back door open
and all the lights were on

On this path

on this path found within
many seekers sit and listen
dreamers open eyes of the "weaker"

acute progress not sick or weathered
but held dear and often measured
in bean and rice stock, sipped slowly

on this path from here on out
not one step to fast to think about
not one step that i forget to count

have to harvest the potatoes tomorrow
will it make the silence of winter
come any slower?

Pick me up at the office

My heart beat harder,
breath less then shallow
i wonder how it would feel
to lack a sense of power
to be bound,

not seamless

hunched over
bereavements
in each pain-
full swallow

excuse me,
just having
social issues

Discard

ill forsaken shadows
open the eyes, hear
my tender silent cries

i see the radiance
i feel its warmth
pass through me

i can not contain it
i discard, i discard

i see as if lower then
i bend down and pledge
that i may never sit
or pray again, if you
accept me here and now

failed ode to the discard,
of ego, ever present it
whispers and begs to stay

i do not want you, i do
not want you, the
door swings open,
the keys are left in
the lock, accept it

accept it, you are
not all that lost

just off the clock

It is not in living

It is not in living that we find the truth
but in loving that we live, through hard ships
and confessions of confusion, to find the
pinnacle understanding before elation

before elation, i come on to strong
step back to willingly, use foolish
words that hold their weight but lack
the common understanding, i am present

am i present?! if time comes to pass
and space can not last, in rooms with
others that understand, i am not a
teacher, i am not a sage

i am merely aiding in the stillness
behind and beyond the rage.

Not so insecure

i feel so often and so fully that i can not change my mind about things, just open it more, wait at the door, go knocking and talking and walking till i find a place that is to dreary to feel, that is so dead it yields from the earth only the scent of decaying land, the silence there, oh the silence there, a different kind of squeal, it would drive and sane person back into society , but me i just want to stay, feet bare.

A daughters love for an unloving mother

you sad mean lady, that let me rest in your womb
i know i never meant any harm, but i had to get out
there was just no more room, you sad sick lady

make me seem less then i have been, or have ever
tried to be, discouraged to be, not encouraged to be
you seem wanting of your own creation to fail

sad this life is as it is and i know of greater peace
maybe in the start you should have worked
on removing my free will, stomped just
one more time on my heart.

Hiatus

finding myself displeased with my "work"
saving more drafts and emails to myself
then i would like. I need full confidence
in the words that i use, i will be attempting
to procure that in more domestic affairs,
meditation in action... in action, in action

becoming stagnant in mind, more so then i
would like, repetitive thoughts and feeling
which i do not disfavor, although i look
forward to things becoming more fluid, after
so long awaited "respite"...balancing task
and duty with "pleasure".

Rising

although the concept has been termed & used
doesn't mean i have felt it like i now do,
and to this magnitude

i am frost bitten, on the highest peak
taking my socks off to stay warm, wood
burning till embers

let me feed you then, and fast, let me
stay up and watch you feast until the
tiredness begins to pass

Following a goat

i have always seen
of the same heaven
in its earthen hooves
it rests upon the earth

pocketing blooms,
swallowing seeds
wild and stirring
wind on the water

Walking in distal

Tired heavy footsteps
breath in breath out

footpaths and doorways
Tired heavy footsteps

waking and dreaming
breath in breath out


breath in breath out
breath in breath out

Xo

Its not current and its not past its the whole dam picture that makes this last lasting in greatness and in failure in attempts and in the path that's clearer

Not easy

I wish it were true
that i could step over you
right back into my life

It is not that easy
to pledge i shouldn't pay
for the love that i have had
and the way you made me
put it all away

It is wrongful in this way
that i should not stay
put all the pieces away

Swearing it off

wishing things away that are unresolved
bandaging a filthy wound, the sickness
grows in spite, not in understanding

allowing the grasp to breathe,
knowing one is capable of resolve
without obsessing over toil, mends

ILOVEYOU

Jaya Radha Madhava - Impending Bloom Floating Ensemble from Cornell Kinderknecht on Vimeo.

Umbilicus

The connections severed
never to be regained

there is something infinite
flowing through these veins

only in these veins, connection
severed, only in these veins

never to be regained

In invisible days from the past

I know i said i wanted to grow up,
but along the way i was taught i would never get to the top,
so in my middle ground, my lukewarm valley,
i learn the meaning of hello, and goodbye gracefully.

i am just a homesick child
knowing of my home deep within
fading, slowly

Supplements $ vitamins

I will be blind soon just watch me
because i wont be able to, i wont
be much ah talker either, i plan on
silence soon, I hope i can listen
but chances are i'll let that wave,
ain't much a taster or a feeler, so
i suppose that'll fade far away.

Roll over me

Storm roll over my body
my natural, scared and
never naked body

make my cloths fit
like the shadows
that follow this light
round the corners, of
this room

only eyes as
windows

storm light the sky
let me remember the
cracks, and the roars
that put me in bed

as a child

karva

warm fire humble
let me appreciate

Diya

clay on my hands
in dreams

Sat Nam

in waking waiting
to play in the mud

carnivore

i feel my self hunger, while full
and constricted, under the influence
invisible things, unreal things
i let strike, i let devour

is rule of this reining influence
or intention, prudence or abstaining

virtue over idea of virtue
within order, not without
complications, of chaos

stream, peace and love
in mind, out of mind
in water in wells,
in mountain sides

trees rooted procure
seed in, seed in
the soil of
this valley

i call mine

Literally starving

i experience a social order
i can not unplug from the
perception of what is normal

to fulfill what i know is
"right" in a wrong
attempting to perceive
a balance within something
eternally wavering

wavering, i know i must
let the palace fall upon me
before knocking on the door

Empty

glasses on the counter, on the shelves
in the sink, and in my heart up side down

drowning, please do not swallow me
i never want to be full again, let
me be empty, empty, with nothing
to give again, and again

i have nothing in these hands to give,
i have worked for nothing, all i have
is yours to take, i made none of this

breaths in and out, slowly with whom
it may concern, with whom is in the
room, with whom will take my charge
elsewhere, anywhere, away

starving for stark light, starving
for darkness in corners, that i do
not know yet in this mind, i want
to see it, i want to know, how far
i can reach inside this, where is
my heart, can i find it... can

i find it, and please tell me
its silent, can not ask for
answers to questions anymore
today, have i lost my patience,
in being still, instead of
running.

He

The one that embraces all ten thousand things
The one that lets go of the ten thousand things

the one that can ebb not between fear and love
of the ten thousand things, but dismiss the
illusion completely and know there is balance

between each thing, because of each thing
for each things, and of each thing

Leave it be

time has found its place in essence
essence finds its time in place
and place within the essence of time

so let us wander in sands
in waters, indiscriminate
paths, through plains

the essence with return
in times divine nature
placed to find ourselves anywhere

Cool water

cool water trickling over my crown
and to my root, upon the earth

rain down, rain down, i may shiver
i may gasp, i may learn to breathe

cool water keep this fire secure
hues and waves of streaming

remembrance of remembrance

of how to be thankful

Resonance

relatively relative
frequency in all that
i enjoy, invest in

assign my directive,
center in this instance
without a resistance

remaining contemplative
unbinding the boundless
knowing i must learn

Deep Slow Breathes. . .

To my parents, brothers and sisters
son and daughter, all one in the same
their beautiful families that are
and that follow. Friends and
neighbors and strangers.

love
light
heart
health

Finding Peace

Anger manifest fear
fear manifest anger
and revolt and pain,
and illusion, pollution
the absence of faith.

everything in its place
no other direction to
move for me, i root

i root, and i dream
of flight above all
this overcast, shadows
of dawn i have never sought
but am promised in patience

in patience i promise
myself a chance to
see clearly before

before
finding
peace

I know nothing of god without you,
i know nothing of god without me,
i know nothing of anything without god,

give the fear to love
watch it devour all

of this insanity.

Above ground

In a sea of elation
swimming with sorrow

no longer do i question
the time that I've borrowed

dreams of tall grass, fragrant
cool paths lined with yarrow
trees, and moonlight,no bridges
no headlights or doorways, no
questions about yesterday,tomorrow.

Tired time

seeking respite in all i do
finding something true in me
of me, for me, because of me

in this, endlessly playful
illusion, finding something
coherent and sane

beginning to see again
what it is that i do hold
in truth, of truth
for truth.

ehh...ramble

not in my pantry

i have questions about
walking alone in the desert
bags miles behind, empty

fishing in the sea, paddling
my way to shore, wanting only
of a breeze

being something of an
origin i can not help but
confess, in terms that
make sense

that let me undress,
without drowning
without burning

without wanting
of something

but eminent
prospect and
flow

too "spirtual"

to the point where sometimes
manifestation eludes me, comes
through me instead of, of me,

i push away the guide, i fight
against the laws, the way, the
path of all that there is

i have my hands, gracefully placed
i am all forgiving, forgive me

let me forgive me, forget me

i plead with god to forget me
let me suffer, let me learn
let me have all the sickness
all the hate, and fear

done running, out of time
there is nothing other,
then this perception of
everything, sorting books

clearing counters , dirty dishes
no more hope, no more sulking
i am where i am meant to be
in transition always
present time for
contemplation

burgeon

away in eyes that allow
that embrace, something
more then me,to root

faithful hands, in mine
in mind, in matter

no matter, in space
time, placement

attainment of the self
in me, out of me,

here and now,
for now, i am

that i am
ever changing

taken
away

never innocent

obscure distant mind attempting
to ground in something faithful

something, anything, nothing soundly
placed, properly in an essence of time
not because of time, placed illegibly

all consequence removed, in the fitting
in the footstep, on pathways on pavement
of footing in mind, and out of mind

in heart, in breath, in anything hopeful
of an attempt to be true to myself,
to be true, to any other outside, and within
that attempt

that adherent nature that compels one
to change not in spite but in awe of

the acceptance of all things,
complicated and simple.

being as they are
as we all are
as i am
i am
am
i
?

disinterest

I can not understand, what i
am not willing to accept.

Acceptance is a dirtier word
then Denial, these days.

Giving more thanks

i try not to convey, i try not to transcribe
or prescribe an antidote within this, within
this, i can not convey, i can not describe
or capture. I need to emanate, reverberate,
counting beads, digging soil, i want to feed
the fire, i want to feed my fire, your fire
cleanse and cool, all away, in creek beds i
have always known, under skies where i no longer
fear of birds, and bee's and the weeds losing
their homes, of me losing any footing in something
not fabricated but natural, give me rights,
give the land its freedom, and let it know
i will
never
part.

i am experimental

I can not make myself any more adherent to this will,
i can not force myself to be myself, i am experimental

growing tired, of the ride, had dreams of sitting with you
cars, going down an invisible, off ramp over town,
and bridges,fiercely twisting.

refugees in the kitchen, and friends asking questions, people
in disguise, as other people with the same impressed stereotypes
but i could not hide, away from all that binds,

me to that reality, in my mind.

begin me

knowing it would not only grasp but embrace me because i know of my own satisfaction and in-satisfaction. i find my self not at odds, not in beginnings or ends, but in the arms of something i could only attempt to understand, in all its nature.

my dozen miles

the temptation

reared, restless,

make me stop

expressing,

in words,

bring me

the way

to feel

something

other then a

reason to give an explanation.

Draft : I won't please her.

she slips into the bedroom and slams her balled fist off the table, glaring at me. I say, "what" and she responds " doesn't matter" and staggers to the bed shoulders limp, throws her self on the bed.

I get up, disintersted in her angst since apparently she won't verbalize it anyway, move slowly, tiredly toward the bathroom, and she screams " you don't even care". I continue on my way, to relieve myself of not only her again, but of the urine i'd been holding the entire time, she was slamming shit around on the bathroom counter.

I hear he footsteps , and then the door creek open, as i stand penis in hand with no intention to respond, untill it hits me, thats what she wants is for me not to respond, because she legitamatley thinks that i do not "care". I finish, and start the shower, look her in the eyes as i undress and ask her to join me. She leaves the room, and returns once i have made it in.

I mumble, you are relentless, and she pretends not to hear, tho it was said with that intention anyway, we let it pass. I press her body against mine, and i smell every bit of her in the steam surrounding us, tired smells, old smells, new smells, my smell, her smell, our smell, i inform her i could never live without this. Of course she laughs, really really laughs and says, "of course you could".

I tell her i am getting the towels and she, pays no mind to me leaving the room, after 6 months of not parting, i pack my things and i go, it is only a hotel room, it is only a temporary place, with me and her, i tell myself, it doesn't matter, i dont care, i just do not care, that is what i will tell myself.

(EDIT200words)

[She slips into the bedroom, slams her balled fist off the table, glares at me. I say, "what",she responds
"doesn't matter".

I get up, disinterested in her angst, she won't verbalize it, move tiredly toward the bathroom,then she screams
" you don't even care".

I go to relieve myself, of her and of the urine i'd been holding the entire time she was slamming shit off the bathroom counter. The door creeks open, as i stand penis in hand with no intention to respond, untill it hits me, that's what she wants,no fucking response.I finish, start the shower, look her in the eyes, undress and ask her to join me.

I mumble, you are relentless, she pretends not to hear. I press her body against mine, i smell every bit of her in the steam surrounding us, tired smells, my smell, our smell, i inform her i could never live without this.Of course she laughs, really really laughs and says,
"of course you could".

I tell her i'm getting the towels,it's a temporary place with me and her. I tell myself, it doesn't matter, i dont care,that is what i will tell myself.]

i am starving, do not call me hungry

Broken Waves

broken hands and teeth

WAITING for a day to be

useful, for real things to work

for real food to chew, Broken

waves and sunsets ponder

at me no longer i at them

i feel the hunger ache away

unwanting of more to hold

taken by what i have passed

by, the time so everlasting

broken lands across the sea

not waiting for anyone, having

what its had, with no time to

do or to be undone, how lucky

sea birds play and laugh at my

broken waves.

i did not believe

and now i know, you can have it, and find it and spend it

and see it and feel it and hate it, you can push it and pull

it and widdle it away to nothing, and still its there

it does not lose its resonance,

it finds its own appeal

it shifts between us

like the gears upon the wheel

it carries well and ill

it flourishes even if

you kill it, i ask it

to die but it says

it never will.

oh how i know you

better then myself,

love, you never fail

to rescue me, you

always keep me

you always,

keep me.

Please do not think about me.

Wanting nothing most of the time,

and then finding an inkling of what

is longed for in so many different

places, that one must except the

process, of refining the self to even

comprehend need let alone want,

desire torn from its simplistic root

of despair , in outrage i breathe

in all that is capable in me, to

love, and to just simply love.

I feel as tho

I can not embrace this moment

I can not break my love into more then one piece

It is whole, i am whole fighting in shallow water

shedding light more often then touching it

then accepting it for what it is

i have been here before and know it does not work,

i can not let all of this consume me, i can not let all of this

pass through me, i am valid, i am reason

i can not grasp with hands

i do not feel i have.

Don't Let Me

say i love you again, just let me feel it

don't let me, listen for the door, let me

take these walls away, let me take you

away in these walls, give me time to step

don't let me hunger for a sense of asylum

know that in this skin, i have refuge

palms fitting, drifting always on the way

out. Don't let me wonder, let me know

that there is nothing to fight for but me

anymore, anymore, anymore

give me this solid silence.

eyes speak all i need to know in you.

I am nothing

I am everything

I am not i, i am not you

we can not be us, for there

is no line that separates one

from the other inside of this

i am not nothing

i am not everything

or anything or

something more

or less then i ever

h a v e b e e n

i am,

i am,

oh please

listen, i

A M

For all that i have given

i know it has not been nearly enough to gain clarity in this

in all of this, given and taken,

i feel at ease only while a distant piece of adhered.

attempting to find something capable within me

of love and of light in the same,

difficulty breeds difficulty, trying to find a deeper center

a truth within this absolute falsehood of manifestation

breathing because i must, has become tiresome

waking because of things i must do, instead of being rested

lost, in circles of why nothing i attempt to do works, or

does not work, i am happy, i am happy, i am true

i repeat and attempt to find the understanding of this

current moment

Tired, not so torn, and over most of anything that is not simply love in "this"

Halfway between don't touch me and please don't leave before i wake up,

Will you watch me throw up, i know its not romantic, but you helped me tip

the cup up, i didn't mean to keep my iloveyou's far and stray , i didn't mean to

tell you sorry just to watch you walk away. I feel my guilt inside this, and i am

halfway down, by the time you start to get up, to get it, to work with what we

have before we start to try to make it, to manifest this, to bring about and keep

this.

A million reasons why we can't work, before we considered it as anything but

quarters, of a dollar that we are too reluctant and too poor to spend. Its cold to

find me starving you inside of this, warm place i have found in myself, that you

deny exists. I am whole, and sometimes not so wholesome, you are distant and

its difficult not to want just a pinch of something in this bland thing we have begun

to create inside this fragrant garden, we can see if we quit believing we are making

mistakes and start making real decisions .

The only thing i need to need.

In a vacant corner of the perfect landscape.

I am sorry my love

i have found no other

not even myself these days

Its funny how love works

and how much you learn

not to hurt when your hurting

just not to hurt someone else...

So things have been said, and had,

and spent so many times, i lost my

patience towards trying.

on a vacation

with you

a year or two

from now, ago

doesn't matter

for here and now

i try to know

what it is in

love that drives

me to you

For anyone who has

believed truly

can not tell you

i know how you

feelin' in them

eyes just ah'

poor'n.

I am so tired

ah' feelin' guilty

i quit the judging

just the other day

no this is not

the last song i will

sing, but you better

bet i'll get quieter when

it's rainin'

over me

I find myself in escape mode, like the generation before me, not in to much of a different way.

I am settled, i am set, i am here only at financial unrest, which seems to be to common to mention.

i am fed, i am warm, and if there was not a government,

then i'd hope i could find people to plant seeds with me.

And start walking somewhere.

When with the collection of words, things, and stuff...end?

I am consumed by my surrounding,

but see no path

from where

i say i am

there is

something bound

there is something

boundless that we must

find within ourselves to let go.

we are

not limited

to the expectation

of generations of slaves

being breed and born under

red, white, and blue skys fall

over me.

all of this

creation, here and now.

I feel the way i do because

I HAVE TO

it is amazing and miserable,

in so many lacking terms, to

quantify what it is this light

within brings to me, to you

in days passing in time

"coming, the end so near

i can not fear, i live

I LIVE

i BREATHE

and it is

beauty.

Birth is wonderful

In its sickening thaw, winter melts away.

Sidewalks in ice, grass on delay.

The full moon wanderer,

he knows the brisk of dawn.

Awake and awakening.

filth left from the frozen cleansing.

I know i said i wanted to grow up,

but along the way i was taught i would never get to the top,

so in my middle ground, my lukewarm valley,

i learn the meaning of hello, and goodbye gracefully.

i am just a homesick child

knowing of my home deep within

fading, slowly

Because i am supposed to say i love you

forgive me for this love that i lust for

when breathing becomes divest

i place my heart within that of creation

to have this lucid mind burdened

with such a taste for something

one becomes insatiable

in time self mourning

in the absence of

that taste

of flesh

of cloaked lover

morning coffee

naked corners

of doorways

pulling blankets

midnight water

mostly tired thoughts

of time passing

never intentionally attempted to attain you

I want to need silence with you.

Away from you, beside you

I want to push you away,

like i'd had enough,

of your hands on

my skin

I want to warn you that i am going to say it,

i swear i'll say it again someday, someday

Want to grow tired of i love you's, tell me one

thing. one fucking thing that you hate about me today.

thankfully we only

spend enough time

to begin, i hope

for whispers

enough time

to say hello

maybe i won't hold on

i find my self a wanderer ....

in the same second

conceived

an addict

finding common

traits, reading,

my friends

dependent upon

the commonality,

they breathe, with

me.

i am thriving

and wasting

like a heart

beat, a vibe

one in one

out, repeat

the breath

I never ask questions.

you wouldn't know that

for i am hungry, to know

more so to feel you, and

your presence, with in the

word.

the word.

An infinite source

Before and After

The only place but now

in origin

Because of this

reintegrate,

in part or in whole

blessings, knowing nothing

of the end nor beginning,

to find it all in where

we are

and will return

home is only visible

to those that find

it in all places

in all actions

non action

love

Winter Winds

Winter winds tho they chill my skin

can not touch my heart ever burning

A palace of heartfelt has found its way in

around all the people and the places i have been

the lessons taught grow clearer through every

broken step every glance in a truer direction

My capability to love grows ever greater as

"more" material things fall away, outside of this

i am found in warm moments, mind wandering

to who and what i want to be for all that i can.

Like the ice will freeze this winter over sidewalks

chill will encase this hope of something greater internal

external, to fall away in brighter days when i am truly

willing and capable of change.

Of change, of change, value of what has been that must go

Of the undeniable, the unchanging and ever present in heart

tho the hands and paths may be lonely ones, very few things

that do not include solitude, are worth pro-suing

These paths are not of attainment, but of something great

unattainable, untouchable, Of something steadfast and

vacant at the same, prevailing and wholesome, I am not

one to testify this for my path has become unclear, tho i know

where i must place my heart in all of this.

in the changing skies, in the uncertain storms to come

in the days of spring ahead, in seed, in earth, in something

far from my grasp, of reality.

Following fogs of fall

Temporarily out of place

in a place that i have

by myself been put

following fogs of fall

stark light on tree tops

evergreens contrasting

fading leaves, everlasting

cool air amoungst the rustling

of restless seed, patient seed

new earth pouring open

quenched of its summer

filled in the resilance

of nutrients returned

do not ask me of the rain

or of the breeze for i know

not its comming direction

i enjoy each day degrees

cooler then the few before

to fear something so cold in the wind

to fear somethign that is inevitabley the way

the way of all that has bloomed, here

in this time is biased and still

while confronted by the freeze

Little Bit

I Love Life

it has nothing to do with us

or things would be different

i think: but i could never know,

so i move forward" knowing that all remains the same

between us, without us manifesting our selves

as one beyond the one that there is.

the one that has us always , eternally forbade

wicked in its interpretations by others who believe

there is a choice within me strong enough to break

what has not only become, but what has been, will be

it is not a matter to be confused by or an interpretation

that is open for interpreting, there is a truth beyond us all

and that is where the vessel of his kiss and breath resides.

i worry about days where he forgets of me , and know that in all good that

i do i find the light derived of the same of him, therefore it must be true for

him to walk that eternal path of love, to know inly of me ; like i know of him.

the richest : fare grasp

to take something that is simple to the core

of the core so simple : and complicate it

to know of a truth that can not be dissolved

to confess it and justify it beyond the means

of necessity.

i have learned to be silent

to have fewer thoughts then are

convenient for a conversation

for a relationship

contentedness : neutrality

confused with apathy

with disinterest

even dishonesty

i feel the sky as it pulls in any direction

further away from me ; ever changing

the sand slip under my feet : the shore

rocky ; water algae ridden beyond my

control ; beyond my attempt to categorize

any of this it is felt to the fullest as adequate.

driving down endless highway ;

to see the excavation of land away from

tree roots with their lives taken away.

their breathes stopped

our breaths weakened.

the good

Like the good preacher;

the good revolutionary

the good sage, or prophet,

I speak to my people

of a love within one another

that we may find if we attempt

to open our eyes, if we clear our

vision, of what has been placed

so unfitting before us, and make our

path in truth.

in love. walking with only that in mind

the perils of being human are far to

complex for our new races to comprehend

finding origin : finding roots

in what has been and remains unchanging

is left to rest, while other priorities consume

us, our beings and our spiritual ways

in totality.

there is not a pattern in this beyond the

constant saturation of media and mayhem

un balanced with the glimpse of something

heartfelt and true.

Attempting to perceive self

seems indignant to do so

knowing that i have a place

in this life ; that one may call my own

i have not ever necessarily followed

or guided anyone anywhere ; and it is

not really time to start i suppose,

but in days i would define;

as less adequate then others

i have only myself to blame

i am reminded of consequences,

of actions; of things that so quickly passed

i did not know there would be a time to

think of them again ; but now

with only bitter, time on my hands

i wash away again what has been only

for the return to be less patient in the

squandering of.

i have not known easier days,

for i know where i am true and

where i am not ; but in the same

moment; i have never once struggled

this much ; though i have survived

far worse days then these.

survival is always in hindsight

now ah' daze, with all the convenience

of far beyond necessity, it is hard to know

of struggle, when born of a breed, raised

apathetic, and more so bothersome then

needed or of any purpose, but ones own.

love

love is faith
unquestionably

the comprehension of
is near unconsciousness

heightened
spiritually
physically

No longer

No longer do i question who i am.

i am found securely : wholesomely

within this : without this

no longing for individuality

a oneness within the flaws

i do not see a streaming consciousness

i feel the unnamed from a definitive core

an unarmed notion of prospect

the fruit that bares the seed

the tree from which only love grows

i find all that is necessary to survive

in long strands of commonality

sunnywalk

ERI.BR8K:lin

Finding light through thick clouds and leafless trees. . Snow melting - warm breeezes @peace and inly et joi lna
Ahimsa

epic old face book updates

Jade Hope-Able Erdalssøn

You are not only human : you are god : and the brother of all his sons and daughters. all that is / is aware.

Know for thy self . . That all around is changing and in the light that you lend the other you find yourself. Ahimsa

If i want it even for a moment and long to possess it : it will fade away : more fit for the next and full of a my love : i forget im no one when he looks at me

If you should ever track me down : i will surrender there : i am the distance you put between the moments we will be. .

See i am no king i where no crown . But but desprit time they seem over now . But still i weaken somehow C&c Ahimsa

Contentment through lack of options has never found its self fitting in my perception of peace . . Finding clarity slowly. Love boundlessly.

I want to hear a word i never have. .Oh and if there were a lord it'd be silence. when Come the days n' nights when i know thy self as one w all of the creation

Needs to cleanse further and is attempting not to run in every direction. Admiration is my only ambition. . Correct your own spelling i dont intend on it myself

BOUNDLESS LOVE IS WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS : ITIS WHOLE WITHIN ITS SELF : ITIS GIVEN ENDLESSLY WITHOUT POSITION OR JUSTIFICATION : IT IS AND WILL BE : IT HAS BEEN.

Bagels and avatar . . . painting and coffee . . . Life life life to live.
Ahimsa

Even in here

Taking myself to a place i very rarely enjoy
but i can disguise the air with head phones,
and pretend the conversations being had are wholesome

i build my own atmosphere in here, from the spoon so
slightly balance on top of the soy creamer, i push the ugly
frangrant flower to the other end of the table and suggest
to myself that this table is made of mahogany not poly-something or other

Coffee dwindling, and since the americano with extra exxxpresso is more
expensive then the normal cup-oh-joe i wont be having another,
but at least my mouth will not taste disgusting when i leave,

shamrocks hanging, from doorways, Budweiser scrawled across them,
mmm... for what, saint Patrick, and the snakes or was that Valentine,
Do not ask me i am American, and all i know is Oprah the Simpson,
and Bill fucking Clinton, and do not think for a second that i capitalized one
of those names on my own, solidly spell check all the way.

Okay so maybe you sense that i am a tad bit bitter at the moment,
and you are absolutely correct, i have been in this town for bordering on
twenty four years, and yes i have left from time to time, on little adventures,
and that is just what they were, "adventures"have to end some time.

It is in the light

when i find motion, to shadowed by the long winter dusks
to notice any other time, finding time to appreciate what is here
and now, and dreaming of the moments to be no expectantly,
taking place in head and heart, being as virtuous as i know how to be

Walking empty streets i call my own, in hick town, blasting techno, hip hop
and folk, from lunch to dinner, just to keep the silence, and the mufflers,
clouded out, for a few, moments when i am task ridden.

The air a little warmer, and the sky a little brighter, sidewalks clearing of ice
just to prep for a few last winter hell storms, when the snow hits you in
the face you dont want to see any more, just sit by the fire with tea, and warmth.

A fleeting feeling, the breeze, uhh the grass, to know that the grass, and the flowers,
and the warm sun will touch this skin, again, whether i am patient or not, spring, and summer
are coming, sooner for me then most folks, perhaps because i commonly conceive
the details still rooted in ice, and the mud paths, as a few months pasts dust.

Oh northwestern pa, how far from my heart you'll always be, but the first
and the last home you could ever need.

hHhahaha !

watching

the daylight turn to dusk
again, and again,
through a thick
winter sky.

gray and white
white and gray
for a glimpse of
the full moon in
THIS SKY

finding words to say
i have experienced this
day to daze, impossible
six months of freezing

to an end, spring
new beginning, again
and then once more
of course, i will not

find any more wholesome place
then now living in a moment
comprehending, just a little bit
of peace, a little bit.

cold hands, and fire wood,
coffee cups, scattered on the woodstove
baybees playing, around and on
all that i am, now, and here,

lost in so many moments found
when all meaning becomes
quite clear.

I can not hear a thing in this place

Sitting at perkins in awe of ( i know) where i do live.
flannel and camo, permeate, each and every single vinyl booth
some for fad some for function, i am guilty also, not sure where i fit in to this.
but i surly do, somewhere.

somewhere, somewhere, same here.
i have an insensate need to distance myself
become closer, sitting in lonely booths
intentionally.

i fill each moment with something,
seeking something, silent, i fill my self
through heavy beats, strums, lyrics
that may never mean the same thing
in another moment, outside of this one.

i in mind

i in mind quote a thousand
fallen prophets : ones born
of a mother and a father like me

un like me : so like me
less or more to hope for

its funny that i am writing this today
twenty four years ago my mother lay in pain
as i did with my two... and never really
expect to have anything to give

i have myself : im assured thats enough
and then turned into a joke by someone
of a "higher authority

theres nothing i would search for out of
this, wanting to know thy self, to let go
to have what is had by every being, within this

i am alive, and i tell you i want to do something
i want to do something, anything, maybe nothing
but god dammit, right?! what are we to do

i need a hallow place to call my own
somewhere : where its standing that
the breath is more then honed

my stature beat less
my wholesome
speechless

i rock because i can
and i quote because
i don't intend on speaking
any truths today