I reach very few with the words that I write, they have all been written before. I am of an essence that seeks only to convey, in general. The few that my words do reach makes every year spent cataloging my feelings worth it. I am attempting to separate myself from my task of capturing that I have taken on as my own. I experience on a level that is different from any I have known, I have very often fallen short, in connection, by being a silent observer of my own life. I give all that I am to anyone that asks anything, and reap nothing, however non expectant I have become, I must begin to except what love is given. In this redefining of how I conduct my self, many may find me absent on levels that I have always been available, and that is a trade I am willing to make, to begin to live my own life. There are paths, windows, doors, opening and closing in a constant rhythm. I am seeking a clarity that I have found within, but was surrounded by a shell. This shell was manifest by fear, I want to never hunger, I want to never feed, I want to remain all giving, but in a sense I have begun to dissipate, in an effort to preserve all around me. Number one of all things given to us at birth, the need for self preservation, we cry when we are hungry, or uncomfortable, then that begins to fall away when we are exposed to the ¨cruel¨ world around us. We are told we are different, when we feel too intensely about things, when we react to corruption we are told we are incapable, that is a lie beyond all others. There are ¨normal¨ people like, I who have found an origin, within all of this distance. We are meant to be peaceful but we fall short, when all is imposed upon us. I have begun to further my self from these statements as I type them... I wish to be silent and live, but I still express as a means to communicate freely with people that can not hear, or see, anything worth living.
I feel absolutely blessed to be here, and my struggles have far surpassed many that I know, but I remain forever grateful, in awe of all the lessons that have been taught to me, by no other force but the original force, consciousness, and connection. Only a handful of my friends will read this and feel anything, the others will nod and say mmhmm... I get it... but the thickness of their disconnection allows them no true comprehension of what is being said. And I am sorry, for I can assist no further, each statement that i have ever made toward you if reiterated , will form that of truth at some point in time in your life, if taken in any sort of an advisory manor. Most breeze through, and out of my life, taking the little comfort that I provided, others even quicker being truly appreciative of my presence, and find their own way. The few that have been around the longest, meet me on a level where we have found some sort of commonality, and understanding of our own abilities, to do what it is we want to do without setting any boundaries, for one another, offering very little for trade aside, from a like mind, which is the most peaceful to reside beside, and I thank thee.
I know this does not seem like something to convey, in such terms, one generally feels no obligation to change, and justify it. But the way I have chosen to live my life was intentional, and it is a huge deal for me to change that in anyway. I have begun so slowly to set priority to myself, which has not been the order in my life, tho that is often the norm for others who seek something other then, to love. I am not ending my love, I am just like previously mentioned redefining the love that I feel in some way. I am not often accepting of love. I must begin.
