the light fades from the center
over hills into dark skies
sounds filling memories
silence finding purpose
sitting lonely to return
sitting holding, for i yearn
to know of paled by the milky way love
to be silenced loved, humble love
love for i am to love, and am loved, love
the light pale orange glow fades
from the center darkness claims
the silence begins to ring
i know that i am safe
In another, more words
I have nothing more to say, in the light of
hellos and goodbyes, i am found less then
pondering, beyond this very moment, no more words
to use or spend, or abuse, i exist in fact, or
in perceived facts, nothing more then the wind in the
trees, the rain falls, grass dry tomorrow, iced in ants
bees with no time to borrow, i have the lesson learned
i have no more words, but i am sure they will find me
fitting in some sense, in some moment, in time spent.
hellos and goodbyes, i am found less then
pondering, beyond this very moment, no more words
to use or spend, or abuse, i exist in fact, or
in perceived facts, nothing more then the wind in the
trees, the rain falls, grass dry tomorrow, iced in ants
bees with no time to borrow, i have the lesson learned
i have no more words, but i am sure they will find me
fitting in some sense, in some moment, in time spent.
If i could see with these eyes
If i could humble myself with these hands,
I wouldn't fight a war, i could finally put
the gun down. Cut the chains, of this soul
again, find less guilt. Its really just the
way she looks at me, in fear that she sees
herself when she stares. I try to forget,
but only because i have yet to forgive.
If i could see with these eyes, years ago,
i could remember why. I don't say a word
on an hours drive, but she in all her
disgust and torment, gets me to say
"you are insane". I am not meaning to,
i have still waters in this stream,
i have fire creeping the forest line,
of this heart, and of this mind.
trying to let go, but she just won't
listen to my i love you's.
I wouldn't fight a war, i could finally put
the gun down. Cut the chains, of this soul
again, find less guilt. Its really just the
way she looks at me, in fear that she sees
herself when she stares. I try to forget,
but only because i have yet to forgive.
If i could see with these eyes, years ago,
i could remember why. I don't say a word
on an hours drive, but she in all her
disgust and torment, gets me to say
"you are insane". I am not meaning to,
i have still waters in this stream,
i have fire creeping the forest line,
of this heart, and of this mind.
trying to let go, but she just won't
listen to my i love you's.
Childlike
Love makes a mockery of my mind,
each and every time, for days
and weeks, months and years
I feel as though i have no face
just the smile
each and every time, for days
and weeks, months and years
I feel as though i have no face
just the smile
2009/retribution
I have gone mad. I have gone happy. But yet have I gone insane or sane, I revel in a middle ground as always ... I want for few and hunger for even less. The desperation that consumes a person has been washed from my hands and now I am only let for others to see as fit or unfit. I have no need to fit in or out, I am what I am and that is caring. I am devout in most things that I do and attempting to learn the rest, as I share it with all around me. I am incapable of fear and anger in most cases, but my perception is often skewed momentarily as a result of my own personal compromises. I do not set fault to any actions, or people taking them, I am complacent when it comes to finding a center that fits best for me. I have let all around me consume, instead of forge a new path. I know that life takes work, and I can not take any more time to study. I must remedy my current situation, I must take steps to grasp what it is I am willing to commit to. I can not further myself without seeking my own personal retribution.
2009/Shell manifest by fear
I reach very few with the words that I write, they have all been written before. I am of an essence that seeks only to convey, in general. The few that my words do reach makes every year spent cataloging my feelings worth it. I am attempting to separate myself from my task of capturing that I have taken on as my own. I experience on a level that is different from any I have known, I have very often fallen short, in connection, by being a silent observer of my own life. I give all that I am to anyone that asks anything, and reap nothing, however non expectant I have become, I must begin to except what love is given. In this redefining of how I conduct my self, many may find me absent on levels that I have always been available, and that is a trade I am willing to make, to begin to live my own life. There are paths, windows, doors, opening and closing in a constant rhythm. I am seeking a clarity that I have found within, but was surrounded by a shell. This shell was manifest by fear, I want to never hunger, I want to never feed, I want to remain all giving, but in a sense I have begun to dissipate, in an effort to preserve all around me. Number one of all things given to us at birth, the need for self preservation, we cry when we are hungry, or uncomfortable, then that begins to fall away when we are exposed to the ¨cruel¨ world around us. We are told we are different, when we feel too intensely about things, when we react to corruption we are told we are incapable, that is a lie beyond all others. There are ¨normal¨ people like, I who have found an origin, within all of this distance. We are meant to be peaceful but we fall short, when all is imposed upon us. I have begun to further my self from these statements as I type them... I wish to be silent and live, but I still express as a means to communicate freely with people that can not hear, or see, anything worth living.
I feel absolutely blessed to be here, and my struggles have far surpassed many that I know, but I remain forever grateful, in awe of all the lessons that have been taught to me, by no other force but the original force, consciousness, and connection. Only a handful of my friends will read this and feel anything, the others will nod and say mmhmm... I get it... but the thickness of their disconnection allows them no true comprehension of what is being said. And I am sorry, for I can assist no further, each statement that i have ever made toward you if reiterated , will form that of truth at some point in time in your life, if taken in any sort of an advisory manor. Most breeze through, and out of my life, taking the little comfort that I provided, others even quicker being truly appreciative of my presence, and find their own way. The few that have been around the longest, meet me on a level where we have found some sort of commonality, and understanding of our own abilities, to do what it is we want to do without setting any boundaries, for one another, offering very little for trade aside, from a like mind, which is the most peaceful to reside beside, and I thank thee.
I know this does not seem like something to convey, in such terms, one generally feels no obligation to change, and justify it. But the way I have chosen to live my life was intentional, and it is a huge deal for me to change that in anyway. I have begun so slowly to set priority to myself, which has not been the order in my life, tho that is often the norm for others who seek something other then, to love. I am not ending my love, I am just like previously mentioned redefining the love that I feel in some way. I am not often accepting of love. I must begin.
I feel absolutely blessed to be here, and my struggles have far surpassed many that I know, but I remain forever grateful, in awe of all the lessons that have been taught to me, by no other force but the original force, consciousness, and connection. Only a handful of my friends will read this and feel anything, the others will nod and say mmhmm... I get it... but the thickness of their disconnection allows them no true comprehension of what is being said. And I am sorry, for I can assist no further, each statement that i have ever made toward you if reiterated , will form that of truth at some point in time in your life, if taken in any sort of an advisory manor. Most breeze through, and out of my life, taking the little comfort that I provided, others even quicker being truly appreciative of my presence, and find their own way. The few that have been around the longest, meet me on a level where we have found some sort of commonality, and understanding of our own abilities, to do what it is we want to do without setting any boundaries, for one another, offering very little for trade aside, from a like mind, which is the most peaceful to reside beside, and I thank thee.
I know this does not seem like something to convey, in such terms, one generally feels no obligation to change, and justify it. But the way I have chosen to live my life was intentional, and it is a huge deal for me to change that in anyway. I have begun so slowly to set priority to myself, which has not been the order in my life, tho that is often the norm for others who seek something other then, to love. I am not ending my love, I am just like previously mentioned redefining the love that I feel in some way. I am not often accepting of love. I must begin.
There will be a place
there will be a place
it will sit upon a hill
i know not its altitude
there will be a place
it will sit upon a hill
it will sit upon a hill
i know not its altitude
there will be a place
it will sit upon a hill
vein or vain
I am sorry that i have missed you, left just one more world behind.
I am sorry that i have kissed you, pushed your hand away from mine.
I am not beautiful anymore, i never was allowed to be natural.
I am sorry that i have kissed you, pushed your hand away from mine.
I am not beautiful anymore, i never was allowed to be natural.
Midnight Water
tether this body to this soul
release me of this questioning
answers between me and me
no one to weigh with me
pillows without cases
sheets knowing of lovers
only bodies in windows casting
shadows from streetlights
with regrets, and temptations
candle melted to the table
antique glass, broken again
i can roll over again tonight
then in the next, no heads
to place on shoulders, no arms
to move from numbness, just my
own jackets and jeans in sheets
at my feet. I wake up thirsty.
release me of this questioning
answers between me and me
no one to weigh with me
pillows without cases
sheets knowing of lovers
only bodies in windows casting
shadows from streetlights
with regrets, and temptations
candle melted to the table
antique glass, broken again
i can roll over again tonight
then in the next, no heads
to place on shoulders, no arms
to move from numbness, just my
own jackets and jeans in sheets
at my feet. I wake up thirsty.
He walked behind me
was in the basement doing laundry,
took the garbage out and swept,
moved some things, it looks settled
then while looking for a hook of sorts
to hang the broom and dust pan, the
guy with the ponytail and the twelve pack
from out back scared the shit out of me
i turned the light off, by the tool bench
ran up the stairs, went back home,
but then i went back down, he was drunk
or i scared him, he left the back door open
and all the lights were on
took the garbage out and swept,
moved some things, it looks settled
then while looking for a hook of sorts
to hang the broom and dust pan, the
guy with the ponytail and the twelve pack
from out back scared the shit out of me
i turned the light off, by the tool bench
ran up the stairs, went back home,
but then i went back down, he was drunk
or i scared him, he left the back door open
and all the lights were on
On this path
on this path found within
many seekers sit and listen
dreamers open eyes of the "weaker"
acute progress not sick or weathered
but held dear and often measured
in bean and rice stock, sipped slowly
on this path from here on out
not one step to fast to think about
not one step that i forget to count
have to harvest the potatoes tomorrow
will it make the silence of winter
come any slower?
many seekers sit and listen
dreamers open eyes of the "weaker"
acute progress not sick or weathered
but held dear and often measured
in bean and rice stock, sipped slowly
on this path from here on out
not one step to fast to think about
not one step that i forget to count
have to harvest the potatoes tomorrow
will it make the silence of winter
come any slower?
Pick me up at the office
My heart beat harder,
breath less then shallow
i wonder how it would feel
to lack a sense of power
to be bound,
not seamless
hunched over
bereavements
in each pain-
full swallow
excuse me,
just having
social issues
breath less then shallow
i wonder how it would feel
to lack a sense of power
to be bound,
not seamless
hunched over
bereavements
in each pain-
full swallow
excuse me,
just having
social issues
Discard
ill forsaken shadows
open the eyes, hear
my tender silent cries
i see the radiance
i feel its warmth
pass through me
i can not contain it
i discard, i discard
i see as if lower then
i bend down and pledge
that i may never sit
or pray again, if you
accept me here and now
failed ode to the discard,
of ego, ever present it
whispers and begs to stay
i do not want you, i do
not want you, the
door swings open,
the keys are left in
the lock, accept it
accept it, you are
not all that lost
just off the clock
open the eyes, hear
my tender silent cries
i see the radiance
i feel its warmth
pass through me
i can not contain it
i discard, i discard
i see as if lower then
i bend down and pledge
that i may never sit
or pray again, if you
accept me here and now
failed ode to the discard,
of ego, ever present it
whispers and begs to stay
i do not want you, i do
not want you, the
door swings open,
the keys are left in
the lock, accept it
accept it, you are
not all that lost
just off the clock
It is not in living
It is not in living that we find the truth
but in loving that we live, through hard ships
and confessions of confusion, to find the
pinnacle understanding before elation
before elation, i come on to strong
step back to willingly, use foolish
words that hold their weight but lack
the common understanding, i am present
am i present?! if time comes to pass
and space can not last, in rooms with
others that understand, i am not a
teacher, i am not a sage
i am merely aiding in the stillness
behind and beyond the rage.
but in loving that we live, through hard ships
and confessions of confusion, to find the
pinnacle understanding before elation
before elation, i come on to strong
step back to willingly, use foolish
words that hold their weight but lack
the common understanding, i am present
am i present?! if time comes to pass
and space can not last, in rooms with
others that understand, i am not a
teacher, i am not a sage
i am merely aiding in the stillness
behind and beyond the rage.
Not so insecure
i feel so often and so fully that i can not change my mind about things, just open it more, wait at the door, go knocking and talking and walking till i find a place that is to dreary to feel, that is so dead it yields from the earth only the scent of decaying land, the silence there, oh the silence there, a different kind of squeal, it would drive and sane person back into society , but me i just want to stay, feet bare.
A daughters love for an unloving mother
you sad mean lady, that let me rest in your womb
i know i never meant any harm, but i had to get out
there was just no more room, you sad sick lady
make me seem less then i have been, or have ever
tried to be, discouraged to be, not encouraged to be
you seem wanting of your own creation to fail
sad this life is as it is and i know of greater peace
maybe in the start you should have worked
on removing my free will, stomped just
one more time on my heart.
i know i never meant any harm, but i had to get out
there was just no more room, you sad sick lady
make me seem less then i have been, or have ever
tried to be, discouraged to be, not encouraged to be
you seem wanting of your own creation to fail
sad this life is as it is and i know of greater peace
maybe in the start you should have worked
on removing my free will, stomped just
one more time on my heart.
Hiatus
finding myself displeased with my "work"
saving more drafts and emails to myself
then i would like. I need full confidence
in the words that i use, i will be attempting
to procure that in more domestic affairs,
meditation in action... in action, in action
becoming stagnant in mind, more so then i
would like, repetitive thoughts and feeling
which i do not disfavor, although i look
forward to things becoming more fluid, after
so long awaited "respite"...balancing task
and duty with "pleasure".
saving more drafts and emails to myself
then i would like. I need full confidence
in the words that i use, i will be attempting
to procure that in more domestic affairs,
meditation in action... in action, in action
becoming stagnant in mind, more so then i
would like, repetitive thoughts and feeling
which i do not disfavor, although i look
forward to things becoming more fluid, after
so long awaited "respite"...balancing task
and duty with "pleasure".
Rising
although the concept has been termed & used
doesn't mean i have felt it like i now do,
and to this magnitude
i am frost bitten, on the highest peak
taking my socks off to stay warm, wood
burning till embers
let me feed you then, and fast, let me
stay up and watch you feast until the
tiredness begins to pass
doesn't mean i have felt it like i now do,
and to this magnitude
i am frost bitten, on the highest peak
taking my socks off to stay warm, wood
burning till embers
let me feed you then, and fast, let me
stay up and watch you feast until the
tiredness begins to pass
Following a goat
i have always seen
of the same heaven
in its earthen hooves
it rests upon the earth
pocketing blooms,
swallowing seeds
wild and stirring
wind on the water
of the same heaven
in its earthen hooves
it rests upon the earth
pocketing blooms,
swallowing seeds
wild and stirring
wind on the water
Walking in distal
Tired heavy footsteps
breath in breath out
footpaths and doorways
Tired heavy footsteps
waking and dreaming
breath in breath out
breath in breath out
breath in breath out
breath in breath out
footpaths and doorways
Tired heavy footsteps
waking and dreaming
breath in breath out
breath in breath out
breath in breath out
Xo
Its not current and its not past
its the whole dam picture that makes this last
lasting in greatness and in failure
in attempts and in the path that's clearer
Not easy
I wish it were true
that i could step over you
right back into my life
It is not that easy
to pledge i shouldn't pay
for the love that i have had
and the way you made me
put it all away
It is wrongful in this way
that i should not stay
put all the pieces away
that i could step over you
right back into my life
It is not that easy
to pledge i shouldn't pay
for the love that i have had
and the way you made me
put it all away
It is wrongful in this way
that i should not stay
put all the pieces away
Swearing it off
wishing things away that are unresolved
bandaging a filthy wound, the sickness
grows in spite, not in understanding
allowing the grasp to breathe,
knowing one is capable of resolve
without obsessing over toil, mends
bandaging a filthy wound, the sickness
grows in spite, not in understanding
allowing the grasp to breathe,
knowing one is capable of resolve
without obsessing over toil, mends
Umbilicus
The connections severed
never to be regained
there is something infinite
flowing through these veins
only in these veins, connection
severed, only in these veins
never to be regained
never to be regained
there is something infinite
flowing through these veins
only in these veins, connection
severed, only in these veins
never to be regained
In invisible days from the past
I know i said i wanted to grow up,
but along the way i was taught i would never get to the top,
so in my middle ground, my lukewarm valley,
i learn the meaning of hello, and goodbye gracefully.
i am just a homesick child
knowing of my home deep within
fading, slowly
but along the way i was taught i would never get to the top,
so in my middle ground, my lukewarm valley,
i learn the meaning of hello, and goodbye gracefully.
i am just a homesick child
knowing of my home deep within
fading, slowly
Supplements $ vitamins
I will be blind soon just watch me
because i wont be able to, i wont
be much ah talker either, i plan on
silence soon, I hope i can listen
but chances are i'll let that wave,
ain't much a taster or a feeler, so
i suppose that'll fade far away.
because i wont be able to, i wont
be much ah talker either, i plan on
silence soon, I hope i can listen
but chances are i'll let that wave,
ain't much a taster or a feeler, so
i suppose that'll fade far away.
Roll over me
Storm roll over my body
my natural, scared and
never naked body
make my cloths fit
like the shadows
that follow this light
round the corners, of
this room
only eyes as
windows
storm light the sky
let me remember the
cracks, and the roars
that put me in bed
as a child
my natural, scared and
never naked body
make my cloths fit
like the shadows
that follow this light
round the corners, of
this room
only eyes as
windows
storm light the sky
let me remember the
cracks, and the roars
that put me in bed
as a child
karva
warm fire humble
let me appreciate
Diya
clay on my hands
in dreams
Sat Nam
in waking waiting
to play in the mud
let me appreciate
Diya
clay on my hands
in dreams
Sat Nam
in waking waiting
to play in the mud
carnivore
i feel my self hunger, while full
and constricted, under the influence
invisible things, unreal things
i let strike, i let devour
is rule of this reining influence
or intention, prudence or abstaining
virtue over idea of virtue
within order, not without
complications, of chaos
stream, peace and love
in mind, out of mind
in water in wells,
in mountain sides
trees rooted procure
seed in, seed in
the soil of
this valley
i call mine
and constricted, under the influence
invisible things, unreal things
i let strike, i let devour
is rule of this reining influence
or intention, prudence or abstaining
virtue over idea of virtue
within order, not without
complications, of chaos
stream, peace and love
in mind, out of mind
in water in wells,
in mountain sides
trees rooted procure
seed in, seed in
the soil of
this valley
i call mine
Literally starving
i experience a social order
i can not unplug from the
perception of what is normal
to fulfill what i know is
"right" in a wrong
attempting to perceive
a balance within something
eternally wavering
wavering, i know i must
let the palace fall upon me
before knocking on the door
i can not unplug from the
perception of what is normal
to fulfill what i know is
"right" in a wrong
attempting to perceive
a balance within something
eternally wavering
wavering, i know i must
let the palace fall upon me
before knocking on the door
Empty
glasses on the counter, on the shelves
in the sink, and in my heart up side down
drowning, please do not swallow me
i never want to be full again, let
me be empty, empty, with nothing
to give again, and again
i have nothing in these hands to give,
i have worked for nothing, all i have
is yours to take, i made none of this
breaths in and out, slowly with whom
it may concern, with whom is in the
room, with whom will take my charge
elsewhere, anywhere, away
starving for stark light, starving
for darkness in corners, that i do
not know yet in this mind, i want
to see it, i want to know, how far
i can reach inside this, where is
my heart, can i find it... can
i find it, and please tell me
its silent, can not ask for
answers to questions anymore
today, have i lost my patience,
in being still, instead of
running.
in the sink, and in my heart up side down
drowning, please do not swallow me
i never want to be full again, let
me be empty, empty, with nothing
to give again, and again
i have nothing in these hands to give,
i have worked for nothing, all i have
is yours to take, i made none of this
breaths in and out, slowly with whom
it may concern, with whom is in the
room, with whom will take my charge
elsewhere, anywhere, away
starving for stark light, starving
for darkness in corners, that i do
not know yet in this mind, i want
to see it, i want to know, how far
i can reach inside this, where is
my heart, can i find it... can
i find it, and please tell me
its silent, can not ask for
answers to questions anymore
today, have i lost my patience,
in being still, instead of
running.
He
The one that embraces all ten thousand things
The one that lets go of the ten thousand things
the one that can ebb not between fear and love
of the ten thousand things, but dismiss the
illusion completely and know there is balance
between each thing, because of each thing
for each things, and of each thing
The one that lets go of the ten thousand things
the one that can ebb not between fear and love
of the ten thousand things, but dismiss the
illusion completely and know there is balance
between each thing, because of each thing
for each things, and of each thing
Leave it be
time has found its place in essence
essence finds its time in place
and place within the essence of time
so let us wander in sands
in waters, indiscriminate
paths, through plains
the essence with return
in times divine nature
placed to find ourselves anywhere
essence finds its time in place
and place within the essence of time
so let us wander in sands
in waters, indiscriminate
paths, through plains
the essence with return
in times divine nature
placed to find ourselves anywhere
Cool water
cool water trickling over my crown
and to my root, upon the earth
rain down, rain down, i may shiver
i may gasp, i may learn to breathe
cool water keep this fire secure
hues and waves of streaming
remembrance of remembrance
of how to be thankful
and to my root, upon the earth
rain down, rain down, i may shiver
i may gasp, i may learn to breathe
cool water keep this fire secure
hues and waves of streaming
remembrance of remembrance
of how to be thankful
Resonance
relatively relative
frequency in all that
i enjoy, invest in
assign my directive,
center in this instance
without a resistance
remaining contemplative
unbinding the boundless
knowing i must learn
frequency in all that
i enjoy, invest in
assign my directive,
center in this instance
without a resistance
remaining contemplative
unbinding the boundless
knowing i must learn
Deep Slow Breathes. . .
To my parents, brothers and sisters
son and daughter, all one in the same
their beautiful families that are
and that follow. Friends and
neighbors and strangers.
love
light
heart
health
son and daughter, all one in the same
their beautiful families that are
and that follow. Friends and
neighbors and strangers.
love
light
heart
health
Finding Peace
Anger manifest fear
fear manifest anger
and revolt and pain,
and illusion, pollution
the absence of faith.
everything in its place
no other direction to
move for me, i root
i root, and i dream
of flight above all
this overcast, shadows
of dawn i have never sought
but am promised in patience
in patience i promise
myself a chance to
see clearly before
before
finding
peace
fear manifest anger
and revolt and pain,
and illusion, pollution
the absence of faith.
everything in its place
no other direction to
move for me, i root
i root, and i dream
of flight above all
this overcast, shadows
of dawn i have never sought
but am promised in patience
in patience i promise
myself a chance to
see clearly before
before
finding
peace
Above ground
In a sea of elation
swimming with sorrow
no longer do i question
the time that I've borrowed
dreams of tall grass, fragrant
cool paths lined with yarrow
trees, and moonlight,no bridges
no headlights or doorways, no
questions about yesterday,tomorrow.
swimming with sorrow
no longer do i question
the time that I've borrowed
dreams of tall grass, fragrant
cool paths lined with yarrow
trees, and moonlight,no bridges
no headlights or doorways, no
questions about yesterday,tomorrow.
Tired time
seeking respite in all i do
finding something true in me
of me, for me, because of me
in this, endlessly playful
illusion, finding something
coherent and sane
beginning to see again
what it is that i do hold
in truth, of truth
for truth.
ehh...ramble
finding something true in me
of me, for me, because of me
in this, endlessly playful
illusion, finding something
coherent and sane
beginning to see again
what it is that i do hold
in truth, of truth
for truth.
ehh...ramble
not in my pantry
i have questions about
walking alone in the desert
bags miles behind, empty
fishing in the sea, paddling
my way to shore, wanting only
of a breeze
being something of an
origin i can not help but
confess, in terms that
make sense
that let me undress,
without drowning
without burning
without wanting
of something
but eminent
prospect and
flow
walking alone in the desert
bags miles behind, empty
fishing in the sea, paddling
my way to shore, wanting only
of a breeze
being something of an
origin i can not help but
confess, in terms that
make sense
that let me undress,
without drowning
without burning
without wanting
of something
but eminent
prospect and
flow
too "spirtual"
to the point where sometimes
manifestation eludes me, comes
through me instead of, of me,
i push away the guide, i fight
against the laws, the way, the
path of all that there is
i have my hands, gracefully placed
i am all forgiving, forgive me
let me forgive me, forget me
i plead with god to forget me
let me suffer, let me learn
let me have all the sickness
all the hate, and fear
done running, out of time
there is nothing other,
then this perception of
everything, sorting books
clearing counters , dirty dishes
no more hope, no more sulking
i am where i am meant to be
in transition always
present time for
contemplation
manifestation eludes me, comes
through me instead of, of me,
i push away the guide, i fight
against the laws, the way, the
path of all that there is
i have my hands, gracefully placed
i am all forgiving, forgive me
let me forgive me, forget me
i plead with god to forget me
let me suffer, let me learn
let me have all the sickness
all the hate, and fear
done running, out of time
there is nothing other,
then this perception of
everything, sorting books
clearing counters , dirty dishes
no more hope, no more sulking
i am where i am meant to be
in transition always
present time for
contemplation
burgeon
away in eyes that allow
that embrace, something
more then me,to root
faithful hands, in mine
in mind, in matter
no matter, in space
time, placement
attainment of the self
in me, out of me,
here and now,
for now, i am
that i am
ever changing
taken
away
that embrace, something
more then me,to root
faithful hands, in mine
in mind, in matter
no matter, in space
time, placement
attainment of the self
in me, out of me,
here and now,
for now, i am
that i am
ever changing
taken
away
never innocent
obscure distant mind attempting
to ground in something faithful
something, anything, nothing soundly
placed, properly in an essence of time
not because of time, placed illegibly
all consequence removed, in the fitting
in the footstep, on pathways on pavement
of footing in mind, and out of mind
in heart, in breath, in anything hopeful
of an attempt to be true to myself,
to be true, to any other outside, and within
that attempt
that adherent nature that compels one
to change not in spite but in awe of
the acceptance of all things,
complicated and simple.
being as they are
as we all are
as i am
i am
am
i
?
to ground in something faithful
something, anything, nothing soundly
placed, properly in an essence of time
not because of time, placed illegibly
all consequence removed, in the fitting
in the footstep, on pathways on pavement
of footing in mind, and out of mind
in heart, in breath, in anything hopeful
of an attempt to be true to myself,
to be true, to any other outside, and within
that attempt
that adherent nature that compels one
to change not in spite but in awe of
the acceptance of all things,
complicated and simple.
being as they are
as we all are
as i am
i am
am
i
?
disinterest
I can not understand, what i
am not willing to accept.
Acceptance is a dirtier word
then Denial, these days.
am not willing to accept.
Acceptance is a dirtier word
then Denial, these days.
Giving more thanks
i try not to convey, i try not to transcribe
or prescribe an antidote within this, within
this, i can not convey, i can not describe
or capture. I need to emanate, reverberate,
counting beads, digging soil, i want to feed
the fire, i want to feed my fire, your fire
cleanse and cool, all away, in creek beds i
have always known, under skies where i no longer
fear of birds, and bee's and the weeds losing
their homes, of me losing any footing in something
not fabricated but natural, give me rights,
give the land its freedom, and let it know
i will
never
part.
or prescribe an antidote within this, within
this, i can not convey, i can not describe
or capture. I need to emanate, reverberate,
counting beads, digging soil, i want to feed
the fire, i want to feed my fire, your fire
cleanse and cool, all away, in creek beds i
have always known, under skies where i no longer
fear of birds, and bee's and the weeds losing
their homes, of me losing any footing in something
not fabricated but natural, give me rights,
give the land its freedom, and let it know
i will
never
part.
i am experimental
I can not make myself any more adherent to this will,
i can not force myself to be myself, i am experimental
growing tired, of the ride, had dreams of sitting with you
cars, going down an invisible, off ramp over town,
and bridges,fiercely twisting.
refugees in the kitchen, and friends asking questions, people
in disguise, as other people with the same impressed stereotypes
but i could not hide, away from all that binds,
me to that reality, in my mind.
i can not force myself to be myself, i am experimental
growing tired, of the ride, had dreams of sitting with you
cars, going down an invisible, off ramp over town,
and bridges,fiercely twisting.
refugees in the kitchen, and friends asking questions, people
in disguise, as other people with the same impressed stereotypes
but i could not hide, away from all that binds,
me to that reality, in my mind.
begin me
knowing it would not only grasp but embrace me because i know of my own satisfaction and in-satisfaction. i find my self not at odds, not in beginnings or ends, but in the arms of something i could only attempt to understand, in all its nature.
my dozen miles
the temptation
reared, restless,
make me stop
expressing,
in words,
bring me
the way
to feel
something
other then a
reason to give an explanation.
Draft : I won't please her.
she slips into the bedroom and slams her balled fist off the table, glaring at me. I say, "what" and she responds " doesn't matter" and staggers to the bed shoulders limp, throws her self on the bed.
I get up, disintersted in her angst since apparently she won't verbalize it anyway, move slowly, tiredly toward the bathroom, and she screams " you don't even care". I continue on my way, to relieve myself of not only her again, but of the urine i'd been holding the entire time, she was slamming shit around on the bathroom counter.
I hear he footsteps , and then the door creek open, as i stand penis in hand with no intention to respond, untill it hits me, thats what she wants is for me not to respond, because she legitamatley thinks that i do not "care". I finish, and start the shower, look her in the eyes as i undress and ask her to join me. She leaves the room, and returns once i have made it in.
I mumble, you are relentless, and she pretends not to hear, tho it was said with that intention anyway, we let it pass. I press her body against mine, and i smell every bit of her in the steam surrounding us, tired smells, old smells, new smells, my smell, her smell, our smell, i inform her i could never live without this. Of course she laughs, really really laughs and says, "of course you could".
I tell her i am getting the towels and she, pays no mind to me leaving the room, after 6 months of not parting, i pack my things and i go, it is only a hotel room, it is only a temporary place, with me and her, i tell myself, it doesn't matter, i dont care, i just do not care, that is what i will tell myself.
(EDIT200words)
[She slips into the bedroom, slams her balled fist off the table, glares at me. I say, "what",she responds
"doesn't matter".
I get up, disinterested in her angst, she won't verbalize it, move tiredly toward the bathroom,then she screams
" you don't even care".
I go to relieve myself, of her and of the urine i'd been holding the entire time she was slamming shit off the bathroom counter. The door creeks open, as i stand penis in hand with no intention to respond, untill it hits me, that's what she wants,no fucking response.I finish, start the shower, look her in the eyes, undress and ask her to join me.
I mumble, you are relentless, she pretends not to hear. I press her body against mine, i smell every bit of her in the steam surrounding us, tired smells, my smell, our smell, i inform her i could never live without this.Of course she laughs, really really laughs and says,
"of course you could".
I tell her i'm getting the towels,it's a temporary place with me and her. I tell myself, it doesn't matter, i dont care,that is what i will tell myself.]
Broken Waves
broken hands and teeth
WAITING for a day to be
useful, for real things to work
for real food to chew, Broken
waves and sunsets ponder
at me no longer i at them
i feel the hunger ache away
unwanting of more to hold
taken by what i have passed
by, the time so everlasting
broken lands across the sea
not waiting for anyone, having
what its had, with no time to
do or to be undone, how lucky
sea birds play and laugh at my
broken waves.
i did not believe
and now i know, you can have it, and find it and spend it
and see it and feel it and hate it, you can push it and pull
it and widdle it away to nothing, and still its there
it does not lose its resonance,
it finds its own appeal
it shifts between us
like the gears upon the wheel
it carries well and ill
it flourishes even if
you kill it, i ask it
to die but it says
it never will.
oh how i know you
better then myself,
love, you never fail
to rescue me, you
always keep me
you always,
keep me.
Please do not think about me.
Wanting nothing most of the time,
and then finding an inkling of what
is longed for in so many different
places, that one must except the
process, of refining the self to even
comprehend need let alone want,
desire torn from its simplistic root
of despair , in outrage i breathe
in all that is capable in me, to
love, and to just simply love.
I feel as tho
I can not embrace this moment
I can not break my love into more then one piece
It is whole, i am whole fighting in shallow water
shedding light more often then touching it
then accepting it for what it is
i have been here before and know it does not work,
i can not let all of this consume me, i can not let all of this
pass through me, i am valid, i am reason
i can not grasp with hands
i do not feel i have.
Don't Let Me
say i love you again, just let me feel it
don't let me, listen for the door, let me
take these walls away, let me take you
away in these walls, give me time to step
don't let me hunger for a sense of asylum
know that in this skin, i have refuge
palms fitting, drifting always on the way
out. Don't let me wonder, let me know
that there is nothing to fight for but me
anymore, anymore, anymore
give me this solid silence.
eyes speak all i need to know in you.
I am nothing
I am everything
I am not i, i am not you
we can not be us, for there
is no line that separates one
from the other inside of this
i am not nothing
i am not everything
or anything or
something more
or less then i ever
h a v e b e e n
i am,
i am,
oh please
listen, i
A M
For all that i have given
i know it has not been nearly enough to gain clarity in this
in all of this, given and taken,
i feel at ease only while a distant piece of adhered.
attempting to find something capable within me
of love and of light in the same,
difficulty breeds difficulty, trying to find a deeper center
a truth within this absolute falsehood of manifestation
breathing because i must, has become tiresome
waking because of things i must do, instead of being rested
lost, in circles of why nothing i attempt to do works, or
does not work, i am happy, i am happy, i am true
i repeat and attempt to find the understanding of this
current moment
Tired, not so torn, and over most of anything that is not simply love in "this"
Halfway between don't touch me and please don't leave before i wake up,
Will you watch me throw up, i know its not romantic, but you helped me tip
the cup up, i didn't mean to keep my iloveyou's far and stray , i didn't mean to
tell you sorry just to watch you walk away. I feel my guilt inside this, and i am
halfway down, by the time you start to get up, to get it, to work with what we
have before we start to try to make it, to manifest this, to bring about and keep
this.
A million reasons why we can't work, before we considered it as anything but
quarters, of a dollar that we are too reluctant and too poor to spend. Its cold to
find me starving you inside of this, warm place i have found in myself, that you
deny exists. I am whole, and sometimes not so wholesome, you are distant and
its difficult not to want just a pinch of something in this bland thing we have begun
to create inside this fragrant garden, we can see if we quit believing we are making
mistakes and start making real decisions .
In a vacant corner of the perfect landscape.
I am sorry my love
i have found no other
not even myself these days
Its funny how love works
and how much you learn
not to hurt when your hurting
just not to hurt someone else...
So things have been said, and had,
and spent so many times, i lost my
patience towards trying.
on a vacation
with you
a year or two
from now, ago
doesn't matter
for here and now
i try to know
what it is in
love that drives
me to you
For anyone who has
believed truly
can not tell you
i know how you
feelin' in them
eyes just ah'
poor'n.
I am so tired
ah' feelin' guilty
i quit the judging
just the other day
no this is not
the last song i will
sing, but you better
bet i'll get quieter when
it's rainin'
over me
I find myself in escape mode, like the generation before me, not in to much of a different way.
I am settled, i am set, i am here only at financial unrest, which seems to be to common to mention.
i am fed, i am warm, and if there was not a government,
then i'd hope i could find people to plant seeds with me.
And start walking somewhere.
When with the collection of words, things, and stuff...end?
I am consumed by my surrounding,
but see no path
from where
i say i am
there is
something bound
there is something
boundless that we must
find within ourselves to let go.
we are
not limited
to the expectation
of generations of slaves
being breed and born under
red, white, and blue skys fall
over me.
all of this
creation, here and now.
I feel the way i do because
I HAVE TO
it is amazing and miserable,
in so many lacking terms, to
quantify what it is this light
within brings to me, to you
in days passing in time
"coming, the end so near
i can not fear, i live
I LIVE
i BREATHE
and it is
beauty.
Birth is wonderful
In its sickening thaw, winter melts away.
Sidewalks in ice, grass on delay.
The full moon wanderer,
he knows the brisk of dawn.
Awake and awakening.
filth left from the frozen cleansing.
Because i am supposed to say i love you
forgive me for this love that i lust for
when breathing becomes divest
i place my heart within that of creation
to have this lucid mind burdened
with such a taste for something
one becomes insatiable
in time self mourning
in the absence of
that taste
of flesh
of cloaked lover
morning coffee
naked corners
of doorways
pulling blankets
midnight water
mostly tired thoughts
of time passing
never intentionally attempted to attain you
I want to need silence with you.
Away from you, beside you
I want to push you away,
like i'd had enough,
of your hands on
my skin
I want to warn you that i am going to say it,
i swear i'll say it again someday, someday
Want to grow tired of i love you's, tell me one
thing. one fucking thing that you hate about me today.
thankfully we only
spend enough time
to begin, i hope
for whispers
enough time
to say hello
maybe i won't hold on
i find my self a wanderer ....
in the same second
conceived
an addict
finding common
traits, reading,
my friends
dependent upon
the commonality,
they breathe, with
me.
i am thriving
and wasting
like a heart
beat, a vibe
one in one
out, repeat
the breath
I never ask questions.
you wouldn't know that
for i am hungry, to know
more so to feel you, and
your presence, with in the
word.
the word.
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