maybe I'm a fuck boy

Now with your heart

Maybe I am a fuck boy always ready

To split, where it gets dark

Maybe what I'm finding is just a reflection

Somewhat gentle just to ease it in

Ready to rip through it when I need it

Just a fuck boy, can't explain it 

LoveYou to loveMe, but can't see it

Want you to break me,

 but discard the pieces

Where did this start, with me on your lap

With your hand in mine,

Now telling me not to name it

That's what this game is,

so descript until we lean in

unfounded

In the depths of the deepest nowhere

I sink my heels in my hips and my elbows in my belly

I feel it all my fingers curled around my kneecaps

My heart drenched by each inhalation although shallow

Still

I peer through only seeing flickering amoungst the haze of blacks and grey's and deep ambers and umber

Dense vertical trunks and branches

What am I looking for beyond this

I know if I focus and still what I can not move

The listlessness will become less

The imprisonment of my true self with end

My lower my higher

Shadowing my light

Lighting my fire to warm

I am nothing I am everything

And I need not tread to find it. 

if I was younger

I would call back and confess loudly in certain words

I would say instead of spell and pronounce and dictate through

I would boast and tangle and commit to all out terminal turmoil

I would know that if I held on tighter and was louder and more bold it would stay, but it wouldn't.

Today I mourn my hopefullness and relax into a mess where I can't really wash my hands yet, because I'm not done.

Today I hurt in a joy of remembering of something that feels good, for a moment, longer if everything happens to align for just a flickering moment more. 

Today I dread having to love without saying, I dread something that feels celebratory within an ache I didn't want or know I could have again. 

Today I relequish and relish in the unknowing of knowing what I feel and having no remedy to make it feel more solid, more named, more like tomorrows coming.

If I was younger I'd believe in forever now instead of saying goodbye the moment I fall completey. 

been reduced

Just a sauce

No meal

I send a heart

Can't say how I feel

Wanting to do more than survive

Ripple anxiety

Unwanted patterns

This is life?

When do I ask for more

When will I be enough to deserve it

When will there be a space for me to flourish

Embalming desires

Burying what I was taught to dream

Weighing what is unreasonable

Is it too expectant after neglect

learning how to be lonely

I can't bare the empty hands I can't feed myself with

The empty bed I often lay in fully dressed

The sound of my breaths and no others

My internal dialogue saying I don't deserve a lover

I can't bare the burden of this life I've extracted and exstrudeded from all the mistakes and goodbyes I've scripted, end scene

The highs so high lows somewheres I can't reach from where I'm trying to keep my footing in.

Upside down down side...I'm up

Sleeplessness saturates

Subdued by my own

Insatiable want

For touch

For compatibility, compassion

Bickering and bouncing back from actual contact.

Someone asks is it addiction

Or do you actually like them

Is it reciprocated or

Do you just hold a space

They can't fill themselves

Wander through the ways I want to live without

And all the ways I want to live with, the ways I want to celebrate and pay attention.